I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
