I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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