im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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