my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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