I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize