Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
