I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
