90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
