he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
