Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Randomize