I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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