i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize