mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
