saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
