Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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