Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
