Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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