we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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