mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Sacagawea was the original milf.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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