she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
