Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
