ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
