Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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