my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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