I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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