i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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