got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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