I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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