i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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