Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Drunk is not a location!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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