things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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