____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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