i just google imaged poop.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
