i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
