Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
