Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
