god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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