im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
