I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
