apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
