Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
