hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
