This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
