My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
