i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
