i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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