Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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