you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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