Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
