Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
