On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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