all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
